Sobbing and Nonsensical
for violin, clarinet in Bb, cello, and piano
10 min
“Sobbing and Nonsensical” is a musical reflection of my religious walk written for Violin, Clarinet in Bb, Cello, and Piano. Growing up in the church, my faith was heavily influenced by my mother, who has worked in ministry for most, if not all of her life. As a child, my mother described Christianity as a religion based on unconditional and radical love. She made it a priority that not only I knew of such divine love, but that I felt it within our family unit. Between my mother, father, siblings, and all of our extended family and friends, it was clear to me that there was nothing an individual could do that would estrange them from such spiritual love. Yet as I got older, it became very clear to me that this was not the case in most “popular” strands of Christianity. My identity as a queer individual did not help in softening this blow either. The religion that I grew to love had become perverted and the Gospel that I thought represented radical empathy had been twisted into an exclusionary, oppressive force for centuries. In the current political climate, my anxiety and frustration with evangelical Christianity and the manifestation of it in the form of White Christian Nationalism has reached an almost unbearable weight. Making the conscious decision to exist as a queer Christian today and to be intimately present in those spaces does not come without an emotional toll.
This piece walks through the spiritual stages of my life and ends with a musical portrayal of my current state of mind. It begins in a naive and simple manner, with a simple chant-like statement functioning as it’s basis. While it initially does not venture away from such serenity, the harmony quickly becomes more complex. It remains pleasing, but it becomes restless. As the piece progresses, the emotions become haunting, unstable, and much more perturbed. The musical material becomes incredibly spastic and anxious, far from the opening, moving us more and more towards a breaking point. This climactic moment comes when all seems to have fallen apart, unforgivingly loud and disgusting in its sonority. Yet somehow, it settles. Falling into an eerie and soft state of confusion, it is simple, but with deceptive weight. The ending is unsatisfactory, the texture inconsistent.
My spiritual walk is far from over, but this piece is meant to serve the current time. My frustrations and anxieties. My anger. It is an artistic manifestation of my disquietude.
Recording soon!!